Cyrus, reborn

Ilang reborn na ba ang nagagawa ko? Not counting yung mga attempts maging strong at makalimot sa kanya. Pakshet talaga.

I've been working my ass of for the last 4 months in this callcenter near the edge of the world... Benn busy like hell, thinking this could drown away the loneliness and lingering feeling of depression towards this one person that i can't seem to forget for almost THREE fucking years.

I thought i would be victorious now, that i'd be able to finally fly away from the attachment that so many people call love. But heck, after these cruel and staggering four months, i'm still back in the same old emotional rollercoaster.

My one good friend once told me, what hinders your present happiness is a past well remembered. God, how reality bites you hard in the ass. But no matter how hard you've been bitten, it all boils down to is you caring less if you're hurt as long as you know you love the person.

Damn it.

When will my heart ever learn? It goes against the saying, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. In my case, it should have been the other way around. My body and mind's tired but this stupid emotion still keeps going on, like it's on Energizer or something.

This is a cruel world. Or much better, This is a cruel predicament i've caused myself. no one else to blame but myself.

It sucks, really.

metamorphosis (in ten easy steps)

1. Gusto ko na magbago ang itsura ko. Kaya ang ginawa ko, isang araw,
pagkagaling sa bahay ng mga pinsan ko, dumiretso sa SM North.
2. Naglakad lakad sa nasabing mall, at pumunta ng BENCH FIX
3. Kinausap si Benjo, yung hairstylist, sabi na pwede daw pagandahin yung buhok ko.
4. Shinampoo ni Margie yung buhok, nilagyan ng kung anu-anong mga pampaayos ng buhok. Umabot ng 2 oras ang proseso
5. Matapos nito ay ginupit ng kaunti ni Benjo ang buhok. Pinatayo at inayos ang buhok.
6. Pagkalabas ng BENCH FIX, dumiretso sa SARABIA OPTICAL para ipacheck ang mata.
7. Pumili ng frame, inayos ang grado, binayaran.
8. Kumain sandali ng Baked Ziti sa Sbarro's
9. Matapos ang isang oras, binalikan ang salamin sa SARABIA OPTICAL, sinukat ang salamin, nasiyahan.
10. Sinuot ang salamin papalabas, tapos na ang pagbabago.

isang nostalgia (kuno)

Hay naku, nostalgia na naman ito.

Ganito ako pag nakakaramdam ako ng masidhing emosyon. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit pag may mabigat akong pakiramdam sa loob ko, hindi ko maiwasan ang mag-isip. Mag-isip tungkol sa mga bagay na tumulong sa paghulma ko sa sarili ko. Hindi ko din maintindihan kung bakit ako nagkakaganito sa tuwing iniisip ko yung kinabukasan.

Naalala ko nung high school ako, sa Lourdes, first year ako, bagong salta sa eskwela, walang kakilala at walang makausap. Kada papasok ako nuon, pag umabot na yung jeep na sinasakyan ko sa kanto ng eskwelahan, kinakabahan ako. Parang bumibigat ang mga paa ko at hindi na ako makababa ng jeep. Takot yung nangunguna sa akin dito. Takot na baka hindi na ako makauwi ng buhay sa bahay, yung tipong lalamunin na ako ng buhay ng eskwela. Hindi dahil takot ako sa eskwela nun (na medyo totoo naman, dahil ayoko talaga ng nakikita ko yung babaeng laging tumatakbo sa mga corridors ng school, di nya alam, ako lang ang nakakakita sa kanya) kundi dahil takot ako sa maaaring pwedeng mangyari kasama ng mga bagong ka eskwela.

Sa ganoong panahon ko din naisip, paano kaya ako sa college? Meron kayang kolehiyo na tatanggap sa akin, dahil sa tingin ko, napaka mediocre ko naman. Takot ako sa magiging buhay ko pagkatapos ng eskwela, baka wala namang tumanggap sa aking kumpanya. Takot din akong baka wala akong makilala na taong tatanggap sa tunay na ako.

Takot. Oo puro takot ang nasa saloobin ko. Noon at ngayon. Dahil hindi ko sigurado ang kinabukasan. Minsan nga, hinihiling ko na lang sa Diyos na sana hindi na ako magising kinabukasan. Ayoko na kasi ng walang kasiguraduhan ang bukas. Ayoko na lang biglang mawawala ang lahat sa akin, at ayoko din naman na uuwing luhaan. (na pwedeng nangyari na, hindi ko lang maamin pa sa sarili)

Kung pwede lang siguro kainin ang takot, marahil wala ng taong nagugutom ngayon. Ako takot pa din ako. Ilang beses ko na bang naulit ito? Takot ako. Kung tatanungin kung saan ako natatakot, ang maisasagot ko lang dyan eh, takot ako sa lahat. Sa pwedeng mangyari. Sa pag-ibig. Sa trabaho. Sa kawalan ng trabaho. Sa buhay. In short, sa lahat.

Wala namang sigurado sa mundo. Yun yung sabi sa akin ng mga kakilala kong nakakaalam ng dilemma kong ito. Kaya wag dapat daw ako mag alala at iasa sa panahon at kapalaran ang bukas. Kaso ayoko ng ganun.

Segurista akong tao. Hindi pwedeng bahala na. Ayoko ng nabibitin. Hindi ako nag sesettle sa pwede na yan. Kailangan, ok lahat.

Sabi ko sa sarili ko, lowered expectations dapat. Okay lang na di makita ang gusto mo sa panahon mo, Okay lang na hindi makapasa sa trabaho, Okay lang na hindi mo alam ang gusto mo dahil hindi naman lahat ay sigurado.

Pero teka, nasabi ko na bang, segurista ako?

Sabi nga sa pelikulang "Hitch," Life is not the amounts of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away. Ibig sabihin, dapat ko palang ipagpasalamat ang meron ako, kaysa sa mainis ako sa mga bagay na hindi ko kayang tanggapin.

Tama naman yun, pero bakit hindi ko magawa?

Ang dami ko pala talagang hang ups.

Nasabi ko na ba talaga na, segurista ako?

slide!

d

My complaint about Ms. Elissa Swing

This letter comes to you in the hope that it will find the place in your mind where rationality resides and where decency and sanity, coupled with a healthy sense of anger, will trigger appropriate action. Let's review the errors in Ms. Elissa Swing's statements in order. First, Ms. Swing discounts important principles of our culture as mere platitudes. By the same token, she recently claimed that she has the trappings of deity. I would have found this comment shocking had I not heard similar garbage from her a hundred times before. It has been brought to my attention that those who promote a herd mentality over principled, individual thought must be held accountable for their actions. While this is true, when I say that I aver that my apologues regarding dim-witted, self-absorbed slackers, while far from complete, will deal with the relevant facts, this does not, I repeat, does not mean that her ideologies provide a liberating insight into life, the universe, and everything. This is a common fallacy held by self-serving trollops.

I recently read a book confirming what I've been saying for years, that the problem of brutish, raucous crackpots serves as an excuse for Ms. Swing to express her own hostility and frustrated need for power. Am I aware of how Ms. Swing will react when she reads that last sentence? Yes. Do I care? No, because she holds onto power like the eunuch mandarins of the Forbidden City -- sterile obstacles to progress who keep essential documents hidden from the public until they become politically moot. There's an important difference between me and Ms. Swing. Namely, I, not being one of the many presumptuous dipsomaniacs of this world, am willing to die for my cause. Ms. Swing, in contrast, is willing to kill for hers -- or, if not to kill, at least to direct social activity toward philanthropic flimflam rather than toward the elimination of the basic deficiencies in the organization of our economic and cultural life. For her unrealistic plans to succeed, Ms. Swing needs to "dumb down" our society. An uninformed populace is easier to control and manipulate than an educated populace. In the immediate years ahead, schoolchildren will stop being required to learn the meanings of words like "anthrohopobiological" and "blepharosphincterectomy". They will be incapable of comprehending that the acid test for Ms. Swing's "kinder, gentler" new jeremiads should be, "Do they still acquire public acceptance of her sniffish suggestions?" If the answer is yes, then we can conclude that Ms. Swing cannot tolerate the world as it is. She needs to live in a world of fantasies. To be more specific, Ms. Swing has a talent for inventing fantasy worlds in which we should avoid personal responsibility. Then again, just because Ms. Swing is a prolific fantasist doesn't mean that human life is expendable.

As that last sentence suggests, Ms. Swing is stepping over the line when she attempts to palliate and excuse the atrocities of her flunkies -- way over the line. With this in mind, I must take advantage of a rare opportunity to shed a little light on some of the ignorant prejudices that reside within her pea-sized brain. Ms. Swing has mastered the dark arts of diversion and deception. Am I saying that a theme that appears repeatedly in Ms. Swing's teachings concerns her desire to spit on sacred icons? Yes. That those of us who have had to deal with the victims of her artifices don't find her arguments at all humorous? Maybe. That she is starved for attention? Definitely.

The purpose of this letter is far greater than to prove to you how ornery and delusional Ms. Swing has become. The purpose of this letter is to get you to start thinking for yourself, to start thinking about how her prevarications serve no purpose other than to stultify art and retard the enjoyment and adoration of the beautiful. So don't feed me any phony baloney about how her apothegms are all sweetness and light. That's just not true. It's not the boogeyman that our children need to worry about. It's Ms. Swing. Not only is Ms. Swing more parasitic and more money-grubbing than any envisaged boogeyman or bugbear, but Ms. Swing refers to a variety of things using the word "crystallographically". Translating this bit of jargon into English isn't easy. Basically, she's saying that free speech is wonderful as long as you're not bashing her and the grotty nobodies in her junta, which we all know is patently absurd. At any rate, if she succeeds in her attempt to base racial definitions on lineage, phrenological characteristics, skin hue, and religion, it'll have to be over my dead body.

Ms. Swing's cajoleries are a logical absurdity, a series of deductions from a premise that has been denied. Speaking of absurdities, Ms. Swing's vassals actually believe the bunkum they're always mouthing. That's because these classes of infernal popinjays are idealistic, have no sense of history or human nature, and they think that what they're doing will improve the world sometime soon. In reality, of course, if we contradict Ms. Swing, we are labelled insane hellions. If we capitulate, however, we forfeit our freedoms. Well, sure; most of Ms. Swing's writings are thesis-less runarounds that leave the reader unclear as to both her point and her position on the issue, but that doesn't change reality. If Ms. Swing is victorious in her quest to make individuals indifferent to the survival of their families, then her crown will be the funeral wreath of humanity. Her fierce passions and fiendish cunning, combined with abnormal powers of intellect, with intense vitality, and with a persistency of purpose which the world has rarely seen, and whetted moreover by a keen thirst for blood engendered by defeat and subjection, combine to make Ms. Swing the deadly enemy of all mankind, while her misinformed generalizations contribute to inflame her wild lust of pelf, and to justify the crimes suggested by spite and superstition. If you're interested in the finagling, double-dealing, chicanery, cheating, cajolery, cunning, rascality, and abject villainy by which she may agitate for indoctrination programs in local schools in the coming days, then you'll want to consider the following very carefully. You'll especially want to consider that at this point in the letter, I had planned to tell you that Ms. Swing is essentially describing a situation that does not exist. However, one of my colleagues pointed out that however varied or profound the explanations underlying our sense of moral values may be, not everyone agrees with her. Hence, I discarded the discourse I had previously prepared and substituted the following discussion, in which I argue that I appreciate feedback and other people's views on subjects. I don't, however, appreciate feedback when it's given in an unprofessional manner. Ms. Swing never tires of trying to extinguish fires with gasoline. She presumably hopes that the magic formula will work some day. In the meantime, she seems to have resolved to learn nothing from experience, which tells us that she uses big words like "nondeterministic" to make herself sound important. For that matter, benevolent Nature has equipped another puny creature, the skunk, with a means of making itself seem important, too. Although Ms. Swing's vituperations may reek like a skunk, I am a law-and-order kind of person. I hate to see crimes go unpunished. That's why I definitely hope that Ms. Swing serves a long prison term for her illegal attempts to force onto us the degradation and ignominy that she is known to revel in. All of this once again proves the old saying that this is the very source of the animalism of which I accuse Ms. Elissa Swing -- justly, as is now more clear than ever.

reborn!

binalik ko panandalian yung luma kong template. kasi parang ang sagwa talaga nung bago kong template. masyado nakakalito. at isa itong perfect excuse dahil nasira ko yung css nung luma kong template. pinagpraktisan ko kasi kaso, nakalimutan kong isave. oh well.. ayoko naman ule ayusin so i just opted na lang na ibalik yung luma.

at in sort-of celebration ko na pagbabalik ng template, may nahukay akong kuwento sa documents ko. napagdesisyunan ko na ituloy ito sa isang malawakang koleksyon. sana matapos (o masimulan, sa ganuong banda) ang premise ng koleksyon, tatalakayin nito ang iba't ibang stages ng relasyon sa isang homosekwal na pananaw. mula sa pagkakakilala, tapos sa pagsasama, hanggang sa paghihiwalay. tama, pwedeng maging trilogy ito. gagamiting kong medium eh yung dialogue mode. walang aksyon, puro pag uusap. ang pinagiisipan ko na lang, paano ko pagtatagpiin ang tatlong kuwento na ito na sa iisang halaw. saka ko na iisipin marahil yun, pag iisipan ko muna yung premise ng bawat isang kuwento ko. di ko masasabi kung lahat ng ito ay halaw sa sariling karanasan. hehe.

ito na sya!

Relasyon

Ako ba ang may problema?

Wala sa iyo ang problema. Nasa akin. Magulo kasi ang buhay ko ngayon. Alam mo naman yung nangyari kay Daddy.

Bakit mo gustong makipaghiwalay? Hindi ba dapat lalo kitang samahan sa paghihirap mo? Hindi ba dapat labanan natin ng sabay ang mga problema na dumadating?

Alam ko kaso ayokong masaktan ka pa. Tama nang ako na lang ang naghihirap.

‘di ba nangako tayo sa sarili natin na hindi natin pababayaan ang isa’t isa? Asan na yung pangako mo na hindi mo ako pababayaan? Nandito ako para sa iyo, hindi lang sa saya, pati na rin sa paghihirap handa akong dumamay sa iyo.

Hindi ko na kaya ang ganitong sitwayson natin. Alam mo naman si Daddy galit sa mga bakla iyon. Nalaman na sa bahay ang relasyon natin.

Bakit? Hindi ko naman sinabi na ipaalam mo sa bahay niyo na may relasyon tayo. Ikaw ang may gusto noon ‘di ba? Sino ba may sabing gusto kong maging “official” tayo sa bahay niyo?

Alam ko kaso gusto ko naman na maging normal tayo.Para sa iyo. Para sumaya ka sa akin.

Masaya naman ako sa iyo e. Ikaw lang naman ang nag-iisip na hindi ako kontento sa iyo. At sa palagay mo ba, pwede tayong maging normal sa paningin ng ibang tao? Gumising ka sa katotohanan. Pareho tayong lalaki. Parehong may bayag. Sa mundong ito, sa pananaw ng Daddy mo, hindi tayo normal.

Intindihin mo naman sana ako. Ayoko ring gawin ito kaso wala akong magagawa. Ayaw na nga akong Makita ni Daddy e. Tiyak, pag nalaman na hindi pa tapos ang relasyon natin, mapapatay niya ako kahit may nagka-stroke iyon. Madaming kilalang pulis iyon, baka pati ikaw madamay sag alit niya pag nagkataon.

Ano ba kasi ang problema ng Daddy mo sa mga bakla? Bakit hindi niya matanggap na iba’t iba ang pananaw ng tao? Nagkataon lang na ang anak niya, iba ang oryentasyon..

Na ano? Na bakla? Wala kang karapatan na tawagin akong bakla! Lalaki ako.

Anong wala? Bakla ka. Bakla. Bakla. Bakla. Ano tingin mo sa naging relasyon natin? Laro-laro lang? Maaatim mo bang tawagin ang sarili mo na tunay na lalaki ngayo’t alam mo na gusto mo din e kapwa lalaki?

Hindi ko gusto ang nangyari sa atin noong una. Napilitan lang ako.

Kaso nasarapan ka at pinagpatuloy mo. Tapos hindi mo matanggap na bakla ka? Sa umpisa pa lang, sinabi ko na sa iyo. OK lang kung ayaw mo. Kaso ikaw yun mapilit. Ako naman itong si tanga, naniwala sa iyo,

Pero minahal kita. Mahal pa rin kita hanggang ngayon. Kaso hindi lang talaga puwede.

Hindi kita maintindihan. Sabi mo napilitan ka lang pero mahal mo ako? Ano ba talaga ang gusto mo?

Hindi ko alam. Naguguluhan din ako.

Naguguluhan ka o ginugulo mo lang ang isip mo? Kung ganyan lang din naman mabuti pa ngang maghiwalay na tayo. Ayoko nang aksayahin pa ang oras ko sa kakaisip sa kung ano ba talaga ag gusto mo.

Salamat at naiintindihan mo din ako. Sabi ko sa iyo, ayoko din kaso…

Kaso hindi talaga puwede? Oo alam ko na yang linya mong ‘yan. Sana masaya ka na. Sana masaya na din ang daddy mo. Magiging tunay na lalaki ka na din. Salamat. Sana sa susunod hindi na magkita tayo, may pamilya ka at mabigyan mo na ang Daddy mo ng apo.

Paalam na. Kailangan ko nang umalis, baka hindi ko pa kayanin. Para rin sa ikabubuti natin ito. Mahal kita, tandaan mo ‘yan. Ikaw lang ang mamahalin ko hanggang sa huli, pangako.

Oo na. Umalis ka na. Pangako din, hindi na mauulit itong ganitong sitwasyon. Ayoko nang maging pang-apat na beses na nating pagkakamali ito. ‘di ba sabi mo noong unang beses ayaw mo nang maulit? Pero ‘wag ka, pangatlo na.

cye

magpapalit na ako ng skin. after so many months of using the skin, finally pag reretire ko na yung kawawang bata na may sugat sa dibdib. Symbolic na din siguro ito kasi finally tapos na din ang sakit na tinatago tago ko sa loob ko. Ilang buwan din na tinago ko tong sakit na to. Finally tapos na siya. Nagpaalam na ako (sa sarili ko lang) sa kanya. Tinapos ko na ang dapat noon ko pa tinapos (kahit wala naman talagang tatapusin). officially, i'm ok. i'm starting now.